R.I.P. SkyMall

With the saddest of news I've seen (and heard) the death knell of my favorite in-flight magazine: SkyMall. After dutifully, ahem, reading the safety instructions and a laser focus on the flight attendants scaring the bejesus out of us in case of an (unlikely) crash or water landing, I'd reach in the seat pocket and grab that catalog of the unusual and mostly unneeded items I never knew I could live without.

Seriously, who wouldn't want the Zombie of Montclair Moors ripping out of the ground in the garden, or the equally FABULOUS Sasquatch sculptures? You can get Sasquatch standing OR peering from behind a tree! I'm sure the kiddies would need a fresh pair of undies after strolling through the garden and discovering these gems!

Where am I going to get my replacement of the resting pillow? You know the one that takes you about two hours to blow up, slump over it on the tray table (most likely because you've passed out from lack of oxygen) then having to deflate it before landing, spewing your fetid breath throughout the cabin....

I mean where else can you buy desks, massage chairs, crap, Tolkien jewelry, crap, garden gnomes, crap, spa robes, clothing, crap, Executive Gifts, crap, Gifts for Her, Gifts for Him, crap and so much more! I even spotted a life like statue of Poseidon to, wait for it, lord over your palatial pool!

There's a glow in the dark toilet seat! A FREAKING GLOW IN THE DARK TOILET SEAT! Will my life ever be complete without one of those? Wait, now that I think about it, isn't going to look like a CSI crime scene after use? You know, where they go through with a blacklight and all those nasty body fluids show up everywhere. I'll pass.......

www.skymall.com if you haven't had the chance to peruse the offerings of this exceptional retailer.

R.I.P. SkyMall, looks like I'll have to gag over Frontgate's catalog from now on.

(+) Energy

Alex and Ani (+) Energy........

Ugh, I hate this trend so much. For those of you who may not have heard of them, they are cheap bracelets made (in the USA!) of recycled metal. For this generation they are akin to the rubber bracelet trend that Madonna started in the '80's and, yes, I had a shit load of those.

It's pronounced Alex and AH-NI , not Annie..........

Each bracelet has a special meaning, for example: wisdom/truth/resting bitch face........ It's a fad, a trend, that I hope will die off sooner than later. The acolytes swam the counter and begin with: "do you have... friend/mom/sister/aunt?" Then it's on the phone asking if "Susie" wears gold or silver? has a birthstone? what about the ultrasound pic of her unborn fetus?

Let me tell you this, ladies. No, you will not achieve inner peace, solve world hunger, be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, walk on water, have X-ray vision OR become the next Oracle of Delphi by wearing them (collect one, collect them all!).

What you will become is the owner of a tired assed trend in six months and have filled the coffers of retailers nation wide. In the spirt of transparency, yours truly has made a crap load of commission off of these suckers. 

FASQ's (Frequently Asked Stupid Questions)

Q: Will they turn color?

A: It's cheap assed recycled metal made from God know's what. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Q: Can I buy additional charms for my bracelet?

A: No, you cow. They want you to spend an additional $28 for your obsession.

Q: I don't know if she wears only gold or silver, can she return it if it's not right?

A: Obvi, you don't know how to wear these bracelets (bitch slap). They are MEANT to be a mix and match of silver AND gold. And, yes, I'll gladly take it back.

If the ladies who wear these, not just teens wearing them, also their mothers and grandmothers too, were to wear them stacked like the photo, they'd look cool. But 90 dangling charms looks like a hot mess.

Finally, to the googly-eyed teen with 20 bracelets on your wrist (about $580 worth), may I suggest we meet at Tiffany and I can show you some classic and timeless Elsa Peretti sterling silver bracelets you'll wear for a lifetime? 

Cell Phones

An open letter to cell phone users while shopping:

Dear Sir/Madam:

I'm sure that whatever INTERESTING conversation is so important as you wander the racks and halls while incessantly chatting away about Little Billie's first tinkle, Aunt Celine's coronary by-pass or the myriad of other things that I overhear is that you just CANNOT disconnect.

Don't give me the hairy eyeball, thinking that I am ignoring you. In fact, I'm giving you the personal space to have your urgent phone call. It must be hella important for you to take that call in a public space (for all to hear), so I leave you in peace.

Perhaps you are trying to signal the world that you are so important that you MUST be on the phone 24/7 and that the spinning of our planet DEPENDS on the conversation you are having. By all means, if this is the case have at it, as I have no interest in being flung into the realms of the universe the moment Earth stops spinning. 

My job is to ensure that you get the best possible service and attention and to fulfill your need. It's not easy being part of your three-way phone conversation and I especially love being given the raised finger shushing me up during the critical conversation you're having with NASA or your baby daddy.

Those of you who choose to use a bluetooth while saving the world, well the only thing I can say is that you look like an escaped mental ward patient.... flailing your hands while speaking into the air. Yes, I can direct you to the straight-jacket section of the store.......

I don't mind if you need to make a call to check and see if the size/color/style is what Uncle Phil wears, that helps us both out.

Other than that, get the fuck off the phone.

Blankie

OMG!

Overheard today...... a late teen/twenty something having a conversation with her mom...

Girl: "I'm not speaking to him, he gave Susie her blankie, and didn't give me mine."

Mom: "Oh."

Girl: "I want my blankie. I'm really not going to speak to him until I get it."

Guess we never outgrow it?!

Introduction

Good Day!

My name is Glenn and I've been in the world of Retail for 30 plus years. After some major life changes I'm out of corporate retail and back on the selling floor. I'm enjoying being on the floor and observing customers and interacting with them.

My blog will share the inner dialog that runs through my head, observations, crazy situations, and the conversations going on between shoppers.

I hope you enjoy my random retail musings and feel free to add yours!

Glenn